Fear of Death?

It’s a Friday, which means I don’t feel like being a productive member of society and I feel like reading random blogs about random things. Today I went on Thought Catalog, one of my sites I like to visit when I want to read something insightful or just something entertaining. One of the posts I read was probably the most intriguing of all that I’ve seen on Thought Catalog:

50 People On "What Eases Your Thoughts On Death?"

If you have time, I really do recommend at least skimming through this post. I found it reassuring and almost therapeutic.

My grandmother passed away this summer. About a few days before I was supposed to leave for Europe on my three-week trip. She always had health issues and she’s had a couple of close calls before. Even then, her sudden death was unexpected. The worst part of it all was that we didn’t get to say goodbye. Most of my relatives live in Korea, while my immediate family and I are in Canada. We go to Korea once every few years (although my parents have been visiting every year for the past few years due to my grandmother’s worsening health).

I hadn’t seen my grandma in 2 years and the last time I saw her, I distinctly remember her saying, “I wonder if I’ll see you one more time before I go”. Unfortunately, we never saw each other and those words still haunt me.

This was one of the saddest moments of my life (quite possibly the saddest). I cried constantly for a few days. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that in my life. I didn’t think it was physically possible for me to be that miserable. When I heard that she was in critical condition, when I heard that she was probably not going to make it, and of course when I heard she was gone. Just the thought of never seeing her again terrified me. The feeling of regret and remorse was overwhelming. I was never very close with my grandmother or had many conversations with her. Even when I visited Korea, I didn’t spend much time with her. All of this came back to me when I realized she was not going to make it.

I even considered cancelling my trip to Europe. Like I said, this happened literally DAYS before I was supposed to get on that plane to London. I was so excited for it and I had been planning it for months. But right at that moment, I couldn’t even imagine having fun. Just the thought of sending my mother to Korea alone, with no one to hold her on the plane, was just devastating. When I sent her off at the airport, I couldn’t hold back my tears. I felt responsible, like I should be there for her. And of course, I wanted to pay respects to my grandmother.

But of course, when I landed in Europe and met up with friends, I came to realize that this is all a part of life. Of course I was going to be sad and I was regretful that I wasn’t there at the funeral to pay my respects. But she was gone already. She knew when she was alive that I loved her, even though I didn’t get to see her very often and we didn’t spend as much time together as I may have wanted.

I’ve come to the realization that fear of death only exists up to the actual moment of death (which, depending on your circumstances, you probably won’t even realize it at the moment). The knowledge of death is scarier than death itself. Once you’re dead, you don’t even realize you’re dead. Does that make sense?

For instance, I’ve had an incident on my 19th birthday (which I am quite ashamed of) where I drank way too much and ended up passing out cold. My parents, embarrassingly enough, had to take me to the emergency room because they were afraid that I had alcohol poisoning and that I was hypothermic (it was in October and I had spent too much time outside not wearing a proper jacket). Luckily for me, I ended up waking up in the waiting room in the middle of the night with a blanket wrapped all around me and my displeased parents at my side.

So I basically blacked out that night. I don’t remember any of the events that happened. I didn’t even know I was passed out. All I remember is taking shots at the bar, and then waking up in the emergency room. So what if I never woke up? I could’ve easily died of alcohol overdose, but luckily enough, I woke up. But the thing is that I would’ve never known if I didn’t wake up. It would be like I just fell asleep. It wouldn’t be devastating or tragic for myself (although it would be for my loved ones), as I wouldn’t have known that I died.

Since I’m not religious or believe in any afterlife, I do believe that when we die, we just cease to exist. Almost like that moment when I blacked out and did not realize I was blacked out. It was like I didn’t exist. My organs could’ve easily stopped working and I would’ve never known.

I’m not sure if this thought is terrifying or reassuring. In a way, it’s doing both for me. It’s terrifying just thinking about NOT EXISTING. Just the thought of not having a mind, not having thoughts or memories and not being able to WAKE UP is pretty scary. But on the other hand, I’ve been doing a pretty good job of non-existence for the billions of years before my birth. So I’m pretty sure I’d do a pretty good job of not existing after my death as well.

The fact that I don’t believe in life after death does not devalue the lives of the people that were once alive. Our constant obsession with the “afterlife” is parallel with our constant fear of the idea of an end. We don’t remember how we began therefore, we feel as though we’ve existed forever. We can’t imagine the end of our lives because we never knew our non-existence. But I do believe that the lives we live are important and valuable. After all, we only get one, right? Think about the impact that your loved ones made on your lives. The amount of sadness that my family and I felt at the passing of my grandmother really shows the value of her life. I’ll always have her in my mind until the moment I die, which is when someone else will have me in their minds. It goes on like this, and that is how I believe our lives and our “souls” are carried on.

So basically the point is this. We humans have the advantage and also the great disadvantage of the knowledge of our mortality. In a way, the knowledge of death traps us and forces us to live in the constant fear of the unknown; the constant fear of non-existence. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is to try to let go of that fear. As hard as it may be, being afraid of it doesn’t make it any less real. Like I said, the fear of death is scarier than death itself. So let’s take advantage of the fact that we know we are going to die one day. The best thing to do is to not be imprisoned by the fear and try to live every day to the fullest. Cherish the moments you have with your loved ones, travel the world and do more things that make you happy. After all, what makes your life special is the knowledge that you won’t have it forever.